“You can tell me to shut up but not one person during my recovery mentioned it. It’s not about losing a leg, I lost something more. I didn’t feel like a man anymore, didn’t touch my wife for almost two years. There’s no reason for you not to have a fulfilling sex life and if you’re having issues I’ve a list of people you can talk to about it, support groups for other amputees, doctors that get it, things like that.”

“I’m gay.” Epi answered as if the words explained everything.

“That doesn’t change anything.”

“Men are attracted with their eyes and it isn’t the leg, not totally. I’m…” Epi glanced away. “I’m disgusting now.”

“Scars fade and real people, real relationships are based on what’s below the surface.”

That actually made Epi laugh in a bitter, dark way. “Because so many men walk up to someone in a bar and say hey, you look like you’ve a good heart, let’s go out.”

“You’re a young man Epi, you just need to give it time. I promise you, your sex life didn’t end in that car accident.”

In a year, no one had said that to him. Even Tori had been unwilling to make such a bold promise and Epi wasn’t sure he believed it but he wanted to. “My partner died in that wreck, even if I was whole I don’t know…”

“I understand but don’t assume that because you’re a different man now, that you’re a lesser man. It’s not true.”

“I’m at least a pound of flesh less…or several as the case may be. Thank you for your concern but it’s unwarranted.”

The man nodded and looked resolved to Epi’s stubbornness. “Very well but I’ll send that paperwork home with you anyway.”

 

“That was painfully awkward and horrible.” Epi muttered as he made his way from the office to the car.

“You are walking better.” Nick commented but avoided the entire subject of sex.

“It feels better.” He shook his head as he handed the crutches off to Nick and dropped himself onto the car seat. “He doesn’t know what he’s talking about, no matter what, things will never be the same. Who wants something so gross?”

“Not everyone is looking for perfection.” Nick answered softly.

The voice was so quiet, so serious and it mingled with the new found knowledge that Nick was gay. It left Epi momentarily speechless and Nick closed the door behind him.

“Nick…” Epi started when the other man joined him in the car. He wasn’t sure what he was going to say, some acknowledgement of what he’d seen last night, some thanks for trying to be comforting.

“Fast food okay? We’re running a little behind.”

The change in subject cleared the air more than confessed words would have and Epi found himself nodding, grateful to be saved from a made for tv moment. “Fast food sounds fine, I’m thinking we should skip rehab.”

Nick just snorted in disagreement.

 

**********************************************

The day was too long and Epi was sweaty, tired and grumpy when they finally made it back home. “You know…”

“Yes I know, you hate rehab.” Nick cut him off.

“No, I fucking hate rehab. God, even my aches have aches.” He whined as he rubbed at his knee. Even swinging his legs out of the car to sit and wait for Nick to get his crutches from the back made things hurt. “Being broken sucks.” With a sigh he pushed himself to standing and tried to make it a few steps to meet Nick with the crutches.

It wasn’t a smart idea. At his best he could go a step or two without the support from the crutches. Exhausted and sore as he was, he wasn’t at his best. His head went fuzzy in the spinny way it did when his balance was going and he lost which way was straight and which was down. His feet stumbled and not even the responsiveness of the new leg and foot was enough to stabilize him.

Epi only took a few staggering steps before strong arms wrapped around him. He fell against a chest that felt like a brick wall it was so strong. His face nestled against a strong neck and arms tenderly folded around him. If he wasn’t so struggling with dizziness and the nausea it would have occurred to him instantly that he was being held way too close for simple support.

“Are you okay?” Nick’s voice rumbled out. One of his hands slipped up to the back of Epi’s shoulders but he just barely kept his fingers from tangling into the messy, too long hair. If he did that he wasn’t sure he would be able to stop himself from pulling the brooding man back and kissing the sarcasm and bitterness from his lips. 

The softly spoken concern cut across Epi’s mind and he remembered that Nick wasn’t some random straight boy he could have lustful thoughts over and a good giggle. Nick no longer was the safe, distant, object of teasing jokes and Epi suddenly became overly aware of every inch, every spot, where their bodies touched. He jerked away and stumbled out of the sheltering hold.

“Don’t!” He ordered and had the sense of mind to snatch up the crutches as he made his escape. It took an effort to keep his feet but he didn’t want to fall and be picked back up again.

“I’m sorry.” Nick studied the wide eyed face and he didn’t see the arrogant pride there that normally came across Epi when he was pissed off at his own limitations. Instead, he saw fear and Nick felt his jaw tighten. “You were awake last night. I’m not as much of a jerk as Adam makes me out to be. I’m trying here I just…I’ve never had another gay man as a friend.” 

Epi shook his head. “I didn’t even know you were gay.” He heard himself whispering.

“Oh.” Nick scratched the back of his head. “Well, this is awkward.”

“Something like that.”

“I just assumed, everyone else knows.”

Epi raised his eyebrows and looked around the yard, silently making the point that he really didn’t know everyone.

“I mean I don’t wear an ‘I’m a homo’ t-shirt or anything but I’ve never really hidden it. I just thought you knew.”

“No, no I didn’t know. You’ve always been…”

“Yeah.”

“Jesus, I need a drink.”

“You shouldn’t drink, you’re still on the blood thinners.” The doctor had cut back on the dosage but Nick knew Epi wasn’t fully off them.

“Fuck that.”

“I’ve got some beer, want one?”

“Please.”

“Go sit down, I’ll bring it over.” Nick waited until Epi nodded and shifted to turn to go up the now much shorter ramp before he turned to climb up to his own apartment. He got the key in the lock and scurried to get inside to the rooms solitude.

He leaned against the door and rubbed his face. When he’d called Adam he’d known he was doing it because the man was leaner, more graceful, than the men he normally dated. If he was going to be really honest he’d called Adam because of the very small resemblance between his casual lover and his new landlord. It wasn’t done intentionally. It was just that he wasn’t used to having a man near by that he knew was gay that he couldn’t have if he wanted. The denial, the effort to just be friends, was something new to him and he wasn’t sure he liked it.

Now to find out that Epi hadn’t even known he was gay left Nick unsure what to do. It was pretty obvious from how the other man had pulled away that he had no attraction to him and Nick could respect that. He’d was really trying to have a gay friend, just a friend. Maybe knowing that Epi wasn’t the least bit attracted to him would help.

Beer would help too. He settled his nerves and went to his fridge. It didn’t feel like a one beer situation so he pulled out a couple extras before kicking the door shut. A fall breeze rustled through the leaves and a few blew down and around to land in the yard. His eyes followed the swirl of movement but stopped when he saw Epi sitting on the porch, hunched over. One thing he had to admit, as much as he missed his aunt, Epi was far easier on the eyes.

Nick was almost to the porch when Epi sat up. “You’re sure?”

“Sure?”

“That you’re gay?”

“Pretty sure, yeah.” He cracked one of the beers open and handed it off before setting the others down on the picnic table.

“I don’t see it.”

“Not everyone has to be a queen.”

Epi downed a swallow of the surprisingly good local beer. “I’m not a queen.”

Nick just raised his eyebrows and sat down.

 “Maybe the wreck broke my gaydar.” Epi sipped at the beer and watched some more leaves fall. “Oh, that’s why they were teasing you. It wasn’t because of me but because of you. I just thought it was mock the straight boy for spending time with the gay boy jokes.”

“My dad would have been a lot happier if it were.”

“What the hell are you doing living here in the middle of nowhere?” The question blurted out. “This is like the gay cultural armpit.”

“There’s a community, it’s small, quiet. You’re here.”

“I’m here because I’m running away from my life and this is about as far from everything as I could get.”

Nick shrugged. “This is home. I spent a couple of years out in California but it wasn’t for me and Aunt Minnie’s health wasn’t so good anymore and there was talk of putting her in a home.”

“So you came back.”

Nick nodded. “I about grew up here. When my folks found out I was gay they threw me out. I spent my senior year of high school here with her. She was the only family that would take me in. When I wanted to go out west, she loaned me the gas money, when I wanted to come back she gave me a place to come back to.”

“It’s good you had her because the rest of your family sounds like assholes.”

“They just don’t know any different. Dad and I have a relationship now and that’s fine. I just thought you knew. Everyone knows everything about everyone here. You hadn’t even finished bidding on the house when half the town knew you were gay.” Nick took a long swallow. “Does it change things between us?”

“Yes!” Epi glanced over to see if Nick was teasing him. “It does!” He only saw confusion on the other man’s face. “It’s bad enough having some straight guy hauling me around like a rag doll but…yes it’s different. What if I fall in the shower? Good God!”

He couldn’t help it, Nick started to laugh. “It’s not like I’ll maul you or something.”

“I didn’t mean it that way. I know what I look like, I wouldn’t even imagine…I mean…”

“It’s okay.”

“Why haven’t you ever had gay friends? You seem…popular.”

It was Nick’s turn to glance over sideways to see if he was being mocked but Epi was still watching leaves fall. “I don’t know. I’ve always just sort of slept with people. Never cared when their birthdays were or what their favorite color was or shit like that.”

“And we’re what? Friends?” Even Epi knew he almost spat the word out. He’d never been the most popular before the accident and hadn’t ever cared to be. Since the accident his social life was pretty much Tori and that was it.

“I’d like to think so.” Nick shrugged.

“Because you don’t want to fuck me I’m your first gay friend? Well spank me for being special.”

“No wonder you don’t have any friends.”

“I have friends.” Epi lied.

“You’ve been here weeks and other than Tori, who’s called or stopped by?”

“Now you’re just being cruel.”

“I’m sorry.” Nick was too, he had assumed that Epi didn’t care about his isolation or maybe even enjoy but he knew sometimes it was circumstance that made someone so alone and not desire.

“It's okay. I deserve it. I'm a miserable fuck of a person. I know it.”

“I don't think you're miserable to be around, grumpy maybe. We're okay though, right?”

Epi had to take another swallow of the beer. “Other than my feeling stupid for not knowing? Yeah, we're okay.”

“If it's any comfort?” Nick heard himself saying. “I'd do you.”

That made Epi laugh. “By your own admission you'd do almost anyone, but thank you anyway. Just, for the love of God, don't tell that to Tori. He'll take you up on it.”

Nick couldn't help it, even if it was tight and bitter, it was still nice to hear Epi laugh and he joined in. “I'll keep that in mind.”

Next Chapter

Story Home

Home