A sense of something missing started to sink in for Trist. It was small at first, barely a hint and not enough to disturb his sound sleep. Soon it became stronger and grew to the point where the nagging sense woke him, unwillingly. He sighed and yawned and stretched on the couch under his blanket but there was no Val. That’s what had woken him, Val had gone.

He sat up and brush loose hair back from his face. Gavan was in the kitchen, mixing up pre-made dinner and he turned to smile at him. “Hey.” Trist nodded, feeling glum but glad his cousin had come back.

“Why, hello sleeping beauty.”

“Val left?”

Gavan nodded and stirred the pot boiling in front of him. “He did, said he enjoyed spending time with you and that we shouldn’t be strangers. Thanks, Trist, I know this weekend couldn’t have been easy for you.”

“Sorry Wally spoiled yours with a fight.” He yawned again, not really ready to talk about Val, and wrapped the blanket around his shoulders.

“He doesn’t mean to fuss and a small fight couldn’t ruin a good weekend. You should have seen that place, it looked like some movie idea of a bed and breakfast.” He grinned. “We were surrounded by uptight straight couples that looked sick every time they saw us kiss.”

“So, of course, you let Wally fuck you right in front of them.” He padded over to the counter and clutched the blanket around him.

“Something like that. Hey, you’re frowning, what’s wrong?”

He just shook his head.

“Val looked different, more relaxed? Did you kiss him?” Gavan asked with his back turned smiling to himself.

“Something like that.” Trist muttered out.

“Will the something be occurring again?”

“No. It was a one time thing.”

“Does Val know it was a one time thing?” Trist had a habit of making choices and not telling or explaining them to anyone else.

“He knows.” Trist was rubbing at his eyes again but closing his eyelids or rubbing at them never stopped him from seeing.

Gavan cocked his head to the side and now he was frowning. “You don’t seem happy with that, I’ve never know you to not chase something you wanted.”

“Well, maybe I don’t want anything?” But even Trist didn’t believe his words and he could tell Gavan didn’t either. He felt tired, heartbroken, depressed and more then a bit of self pity. He wanted Val back in their apartment, with his dry sarcasm and wizardry in the kitchen. He wanted Val back in his bed with his amazing hunger to be dominated and his shy skills at taking what he wanted. The only out he had was to pretend he was okay with walking away, but he wasn’t.

Val’s phone was ringing and he almost let it go to his voice mail but he would have felt guilty doing that so he answered it. “Hello?”

“Hey you! Been calling for, geesh, days and all I get is your voice mail!” Lisa’s warmth spilled across the line. “How are you?”

He sighed. “I’ve baked four apple cakes.”

“Oh God, that bad!”

“I’m shipping you two of them, maybe three if I can fit them in the box, if you don’t mind?” He glanced to the cooling cakes and the mounds of apple peels sitting in a bowl to the side.

“Mind? God, no. Inez keeps teasing me that we should get you to move out here or find a way to move closer to you just to get more of your baked goods. She’ll be thrilled to have them, but, what’s happened that you’re peeling apples?” Her worry tinged her words.

“Nothing really, I,” he sighed. “I’m thinking there was something missed with what happened to Violet.”

There was silence on the phone for a long moment. “Val, I know it’s difficult to accept this sort of thing, but it was just a shitty bad accident. No one likes to think that one mistake can change so much but it happens. You need to let it go.”

“I made some phone calls, I’m going to get their autopsy records.”

“Val, you don’t want to do that. The things they say in those reports aren’t meant for families to read.”

He shook his head. “I know, I just, I need to do this. Just one last look over things and I can put it to rest.”

Lisa sighed and Val could almost see her push her glasses further back up her nose. “Okay, but just, think about it before you read it, okay?”

“I will.”

“So, what did you do for your birthday?” He voice bounced back up. “You did do something right?”

“I spent it with a friend.” And that was a subject he wasn’t sure how to broach.

“Might he be the friend discusses the other day?” She asked leadingly.

Val shuffled his feet and brushed spilled flour from the countertop. “Yeah.” He finally admitted.

“And did you see if your toes curled?”

“Yeah.”

“And? Did they?”

He popped an apple peel into his mouth and chewed on it. The tartness of the green skin was a refreshing touch. “Yeah.” He finally forced out.

“Whoo hoo for you! Congratulations, Val, I hope you had a good time!” Her voice died off. “You did but now you’re all twisted up and upset over it, aren’t you?”

“It was just a one time thing.”

“Still, that took a lot of courage. I’m proud of you.”

He snorted at that and nibbled on another peel. “I’m not sure I am, not sure I’d call it courage or weakness.”

“Is this another thing from your asshole uncle?” She snapped back.

“He was a good man.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that but all I see is that his ideal of how to live has made you miserable. Let me guess, he frowned on being gay?” Her tone grew mocking.

“Frowned on all sex outside of marriage and not for procreation.”

“Wow, I’m surprised we ever had sex with that nonsense in your head.”

“Well, he frowned on a lot of things. He was a man of high morals and ideals.”

“Val, dear, morals and values are good, sure, but not when they smoother someone to death. I have an ideal of volunteering ten hours a month but I’m lucky to get five in most months and some months not at all. Doesn’t make me a bad person for not living up to it. Ideals as high as your uncle set aren’t humanly possible to achieve. If he cared about you at all, he’d have wanted you to be happy.” Self righteous morality was one of her push buttons, had always been one of them. The first conversation she’d ever had with Val was over a debate about people so convinced they knew all that was right and wrong when no one could ever know that.

“Lisa, right after I went to live with him, he told Violet and I all these things that were sins. Told us that if we did them, that we’d never see our parents again in Heaven because we’d sinned so badly.” It stung to say that, really, painfully, hurt.

“Oh, Val, I didn’t know, you never told me that.”

“I’ve never told anyone. I’m sure Violet did, she didn’t believe him for a moment.”
“But you did. Poor dear. That was unforgivably cruel of him.”

“He just wanted us to grow up to be good people.”

“Val! You are a good person! Who you sleep with, who you love, that doesn’t make you a bad or good person, just makes you human.” She sighed. “You are one of the best people I’ve ever met. What he told you is utter horse shit. Besides that, if your parents had lived, they would’ve wanted you to be happy.”

Another peel disappeared and Val swallowed it hard, trying to push the emotion from his throat. “It was nice, Lisa.” He started uneasily.

“Good!” She laughed. “When do you see him again?”

“I’m not, it was a one time thing, nothing more.”

“That sucks, his choice or yours?”

“Both, things are… complicated.” He twisted a peel around his fingers and it snapped with a sharp, green cracking sound. “So, what do I do now?”

“About?”

“You know, maybe not being straight?”

“Oh, well, I make a few phone calls and the local chapter of the Gay Club will be by. He’ll show you where the best bars are, the best nightspots and where their secret meeting hall is. There you’ll get a handbook called “So you like cock?” and learn the secret handshake.”

“I’m being serious here.”

“Sorry! Couldn’t help it!” She laughed. “You know it might be easier if it worked that way. Honestly, Val, there’s nothing to do except stop beating yourself up for it, or worse, running from it. Nothing has changed about you, you’re the same man you always were, nothing changes. Well, except maybe you’ll be happier and like yourself a little more.”

The apple peel suddenly caught in his throat. “I like myself just fine.”

“Yeah, and I’m Bigfoot.”