They stayed that way for almost an hour. “Bloody hell!” Trist sighed and sat up with no warning, a moment later the phone rang. “I’m not working this weekend!” He shouted toward the phone.

It kept ringing.

“Damn it!” He pulled himself off the sofa and snatched the still ringing phone from where it had been charging. “No!” He snapped into the phone. “I’m not working, Lydia!”

Val watched as Trist paced and rubbed his eyes.

“No, no, it’s late, it’s almost nine. No, it isn’t about money, Lydia, I’m not working!” He turned and kept pacing back and forth, shaking his head. “No.” But he sighed and the anger was being battered down. Trist bite a litle bit at a nail and sighed. “Hang on a second.” He pulled the phone from his ear and pushed a button before setting it down.

“Problems?”

“Sort of. Look, Lydia is a good client, she’s stinking rich and can’t pick out which one of her stinking rich boyfriends to date tomorrow. Girl is hopeless I swear, she doesn’t need me, she needs a slap upside the head. But, she pays ridiculous amounts of money to talk to me, so who am I to refuse.” He sighed and studied Val’s face, it was a huge risk working while Gavan was gone. “I promised Gavan I’d behave but she’ll pay me more for an hour than he makes in a week. I’m going to do this over the phone, so it shouldn’t be so bad but her fucking grandfather always shows up and yells at me to yell at her, it’s his money, he earned it, blah blah blah. If you tell me not to, I’ll hang up on her.”

“Well,” Val didn’t know what to say. “You know what’s best.”

Trist bit his nail again. “Would you wait until we’re done? It’ll be like an hour? In case, you know, I flip out or something.”

“I can wait.”

“Good, thanks, good.” He moved to pick up the phone, pushed a button again and held it to his ear. “Okay, but only over the phone and no more then an hour, agreed?” He grimaced at the voice on the other end. “Fuck child, settle down, let me get into my office.”

Val watched as Trist disappeared into the only room he hadn’t yet seen, the slender man shaking his head as he pulled the door shut behind him. It didn’t leave Val a lot to go on, he flipped the tv to a basketball game, college this time, and waited.

It wasn’t an hour, it was closer to two, before the office door opened and Trist shuffled out. He dropped the phone back onto it’s charger, rubbing at his eyes and looking wilted. “Fuck, I could hate that girl. She’s not even a girl, she’s like thirty five.”

“You okay?” Val stood from where he’d sat, waiting.

“Yeah, just headache and really tired. I’m going to have to crash. Are you, no, you’re not staying up here. Okay, well I’ve your phone number, if I wake up I might need to call you.” He didn’t want Val to leave, but he was suddenly so tired, drained.

“Call, if you need anything, call me.” He clicked off the television and circled around sofa. “I’ll pop up tomorrow morning when I get up but if you’re still asleep, come downstairs when you’re awake, okay?”

“Sure.” He followed Val to the door, and admittedly, he wasn’t thinking clearly. When he saw Val really meant to just leave, he reached a hand out and caught one of Val’s shoulders.

“What?”

That was all Trist allowed him to get out. The firm grip, and how was such a skinny man able to be so strong Val didn’t know, tugged him backward and pushed him against the wall beside the door. Before he could even process what was happening let alone react to it, Trist was pressed against him. One of the slender legs slid between Val’s legs, the knee rising up slightly just to tease at contact. Trist’s hands caught his shoulders a breath before his lips crushed into his own.

There was no thought to fight this time, Val’s mind exploded. His lips parted with a whispered moan and his eyes dropped shut under the assault of Trist’s demanding kiss. The wall behind him didn’t feel solid, he felt like he was melting into it, or melting down it and his knees were weak enough to support the latter theory. Such a simple thing like a kiss totally dissolved him and Val found himself embarrassingly aroused by it.

Trist broke the kiss with a shuddering sigh before he nipped at Val’s neck and ear. “What? You’d think I’d let you leave without kissing me goodnight?” He grinned into the neck and ignored his pounding headache.

“Trist, I…”

He shook his head and opened the apartment door and half pushed Val out into the hall. “Night, Val, I’ll see you tomorrow.” Trist smiled softly, Val stood in the hallway looking shocked and hideously sexy. One of his graceful hands had risen up to press to his kiss swollen lips but Trist saw the confusion in his eyes. “Sleep well.” He shut the door on Val’s stunned face.

He wondered how long Val would stand there, in the hallway, looking like he wanted someone to fuck him, before he’d turn and go to his own apartment. It was an ideal thought, one Trist was too tired, in too much pain, to linger on. He staggered his way to his bedroom, turning out lights as he went and fell into his bed.

“All of you, shut the fuck up! I’m tried!” He shouted into the silent apartment and pulled his pillow over his head.

He wasn’t gay. Val stood in the hallway staring at the closed apartment door, his hand touching his mouth like some idiot child. The kiss, so sudden and so wicked, so hot, had instantly made him hard again.

“I’m not gay.” He whispered into the empty hallway. “He’s just got me turned around.” He shook his head and headed for the elevators. “I’ve had sex with women.” He mumbled waiting for the elevator to arrive. “Good sex with women, lots of times.” Val was too caught up in his thoughts to notice the odd looks the couple leaving the elevator gave him as he stepped in.

Kelly couldn’t be an example. She was as busy with her job as he was with his. They only really saw each other two or three times a week and they didn’t always have sex but that was because they were busy and tired and she’d like to go out instead of staying in. Val conceded that it had been Kelly that had initiated most of their sexual encounters but that didn’t mean anything, he just wasn’t a very sexual person.

The uncomfortable tightness in his pants debated how much of a sexual person he was. Val ignored the evidence.

If Kelly was removed from the picture, he still had other women in his past that he’d had very good sex with. Lisa, his girlfriend in college, they’d had a solid relationship. The sex hadn’t been mind blowing, but it had been sweet and gentle.

His traitorous memory agreed with the tight fit of his pants, sex with Lisa had been okay, nothing like sex with Matt. It was the rougher touch, the feel of hard lines instead of soft. He’d had great sex in college, but it hadn’t been with Lisa.

Val told his memory to stop helping.

Besides, Lisa was a lesbian. She was having great sex now with Inez. They would have been out this weekend for the wedding had Inez not been seven months pregnant with their first child. It occurred to him, maybe Lisa wasn’t bi-sexual, maybe she’d been a lesbian all along. Maybe that’s why the sex had been okay but not great. Maybe, and he knew it was absurd, maybe he was just such a bad lover that he’d pushed her from being bi to being gay.

So, now Kelly was out and so was Lisa, he let his mind search for other women and found only the Irish girl he’d lost his virginity too. He’d been seventeen, drunk, at a country fair and hanging out with other teens he didn’t know. That didn’t qualify as great sex, he barely remembered it.

Three women, one he was drunk with, one he’d turned into a lesbian and one that he’d almost had to have his arm twisted to sleep with didn’t make a great track record. On the other hand was one man, pushy, demanding, rough, teasing, hot, sexy, erotic man that had curled his toes. Four people in twenty nine years, it was almost absurd.

“I’m not gay.” He repeated as the door to his apartment opened. “I’m not, I couldn’t have had sex with women if I was gay. It doesn’t work that way.”

But, Lisa had sex with him for years. Was she bi or a lesbian? If she was bi, he could understand but if she was a lesbian, not at all interested in men. His mind stopped, unwilling to finish the sentence because if Lisa was gay, and had not only had sex with a man but somewhat enjoyed it, that would mean he could be gay too.

“I can’t be gay.” He sighed out, not even noticing his protest had weakened. The clock on the wall showed it wasn’t that late, not that late at all in Seattle where Lisa and Inez lived, certainly not to late to call.

He dialed the number from memory and Lisa picked up on the third ring.

“Hello?” She was laughing, her voice was warm and happy, it almost made Val hang up. “Hello?”

“Hello, Lisa.”

There was a pause. “Val? Oh my God, we were just talking about you! How are you?”

He started tracing patterns on the countertop with one finger, suddenly wondering what he was doing. “I’m okay. How’re you, and Inez and the baby?”

“Oh, I’m fine, the baby is splendid and Inez is being a pain in my ass.” There was a muffled protesting shout in the background and Lisa laughed again. “So, you and Kelly pick out a new date? If it’s far enough down the road Inez and the baby will come.”

The wedding, he’d forgotten he’d promised to call them with the new date. They were one of a very short list of none work acquaintances he’d invited. “About that, there isn’t going to be a wedding.”

“Oh, no! What’s happened? Is everything okay with you two?” She asked as if she knew already.

“Kelly,” he glanced to the keys still on the counter. “Well, I think she’s left me.”

“Aw, Val, I’m so sorry, when did this happen?”

“This afternoon.” He sighed.

“She dumped you on the day you were supposed to have gotten married?” Her voice rose now, growing angry.

“Yeah, ironic huh?”
“Bitch, I never liked her. Are you okay? Want me to come out for a few days?”

The offer washed warmth over him and drew a slight smile to his face. “Thanks but I’m okay. Lisa, I’m sorry to bother you, I’ve just been doing a lot of thinking and I wanted to ask you…”

His voice got cut off by a sharp squeal of startled surprise. “Hang on a sec, Val.” There was a muffled sound of a hand covering the receiver or it being pressed to her stomach but Val still heard her clearly. “Stop it Inez! Kelly dumped him today! Uh huh, I said that too, go, I’ll be right there, baby.” There was a scratchy muffled sound again. “Sorry about that, I swear, being pregnant has made her continuously horny. If I’d known being gay would be this much work, I’d have stayed with you! We had a good, safe, asexual thing going on.” She teased lightly. “At least we got sleep!”

He frowned. “Did you really see us that way? As asexual?”

There was an uncomfortable pause but Lisa had never openly lied to him before and she wasn’t ready to do so now. “Val, come on, you always knew I was a lesbian. That’s why were together, wasn’t it?”

He hadn’t always known. “You see me as asexual?” See! He scolded the tightness of his pants, he really wasn’t a sexual person.

“Actually,” she started slowly. “I always thought you were gay. I think you were dating Kelly like three months before I figured out Kelly was a girl.”

He almost dropped the phone. “What would make you think I was gay?” His voice rose in shock and a little fear.

“Well, you aren’t obvious like a flaming queen or anything, I mean there’s no sign on your back that says ‘hey I’m a big homo’ but I don’t know, I always just assumed. That’s why we were so good together, I wasn’t ready to be what I was and I figured you weren’t either. And, well, you never looked at me the way you and Matt sometimes looked at each other, didn’t think you were getting it on or anything, but thought you might one day.” She let the words pour out, surprised that they were even having this conversation.

“Shouldn’t you be bi, though? I mean we had sex, regularly and it was…”

“Satisfactory?” She supplied.

“Yes.” Val agreed and wondered if he could feel any lower.

There was a pause on the phone of what felt like forever before Lisa spoke again. “Val, you know I care about you. You’re a good friend. I’m not bi. I can have sex with men but I’m not bi.”

“But?”

“We may not have had that spark between us, but surely you had it with Kelly?” She paused but Val was silent. “Look, with you, it was okay. It got us both off but it wasn’t good and it sure as shit wasn’t great. Except that one time, when I came over to spend the night and you just grabbed me. God, you were like some primal animal, made me almost think I might be bi.” She laughed.

Val’s heart stopped. He remembered that, it had been good but he hadn’t been thinking about Lisa while they’d had sex. Matt was supposed to have left to spend the night in his girlfriend’s room, only, before he left, just moments before Lisa was to arrive, he’d pushed Val down onto the bed and fucked him. Only, he he’d been so quick, so erotically needy, that he’d left Val so hard he was throbbing. Before he left, he’d whispered in Val’s ear that while Val was fucking Lisa, he’d be thinking of Matt. And Val had, with the lingering ghosting feel of Matt in his body still around him, and the sex had been good with Lisa.

Lisa listened to the uneasy breathing on the other end of the phone. “Val, when Inez kisses me, my toes curl up. It’s not just her, there have been other women. When I kiss a guy, it doesn’t make me feel like I’m on fire. Doesn’t gross me out but it’s like, oh, dancing. I can go through the motions but it’s not the same. Like a stick figure of a person compared to some beautiful painting, does this make sense? Have you felt this with Kelly?”

“Not really.” He admitted.

“Okay, I know you didn’t feel it about me. Have you ever felt it?”

He had, twice. Val felt his face going red. “I’ve,” he sighed. “I’ve sort of met someone. Actually, just met them, they kissed me tonight.”

“And your toes curled?”

“Yeah.” It wasn’t his toes, not entirely.

“Good.” Her voice was warm and Lisa had a pretty good idea that the person wasn’t a woman. “Val, I think I know where you’re at. It’s not easy. I mean, I’d never ask to be a lesbian. My mother still won’t talk to me because of it but what Inez and I have, everyone should have something like it. Life’s too short, time goes by too fast and happiness is to rare to not take the chance.”

“Lisa,” his palm pressed to the cool counter top. “I’m not… I don’t want to be.” He couldn’t say it but he didn’t need to.

“Shhh, it’s just labels, love, just labels. God knows, you’ve had way more then your share of heartache, it’s okay to have something that feels good in your life. I’ll tell you, the worst part, is denying it. Once you say to yourself it’s okay, things get so much easier.” She paused and listened but he wasn’t saying anything. “You okay?”

“I’m fine.” He sighed. “I’ll think about it.”

“No! God, no, don’t think about it, all you do is think! Go, find him, kiss him, see if your toes curl, if they do just fuck him already!” She laughed.

“Lisa!”

“Hush, I’m not stupid, we aren’t talking about a woman. Seriously, Val, are you okay? I can be there tomorrow if you need me.”

“Thanks but I’m coping. I will think about it.” He paused and plunged ahead. “About him.” Val found he was holding his breath, waiting for the sky to fall on to him. It didn’t.

“Good, call me in a couple of days so I know you’re okay?”

“I will, thanks Lisa.”

“Just, take care of yourself, you deserve to be happy, Val.”

Those words weren’t easy to hear. “I’m just glad you’re happy. You are, right?”

“More then I ever expected.”

“Good.” But he ached for that, wanted that, and didn’t think he had the courage to gain it. “Thanks.”

“You’re very welcome. Call me, okay?”

“I will.”

“You’d better, and Val? Happy early birthday.”
“Thanks. Night.”

“Bye, Val.”

He hung onto the phone even after the line clicked shut. Lisa would be on her way to their bedroom and Inez’s arms. They’d wrap themselves around each other, love each other, fall asleep together. It made his heart ache to think about.

Kelly couldn’t sleep if he was touching her. The nights she spent over or the ones he spent at her place, they had to sleep on opposite sides of the bed, a pillow between them to keep them from touching as they turned in sleep. Not that he considered himself a touchy feely kind of guy but it had felt nice to have Trist snuggled against him.

He shook his head and went to shower and go to bed. Only, his mind refused to let it go. Lisa had been a snuggler, even when he’d protested, she’d curl up against him while they watched movies in the dorm or when she’d fallen asleep in his arms. That had been nice but not as nice as when Matt would leave his bed and slid into Val’s. Even if they did nothing other then sleep, the feel of his strength, wrapped around his own body, the feel of that maleness, had been so comforting.

He showered quickly and pulled on boxers, cotton sleeping pants and an old t-shirt and climbed into his very empty bed. Given his train of thought, it wasn’t odd how much more empty it felt tonight then other nights. He smacked at his pillows and pulled them close to prop around his body and sighed. The thoughts still rolled around his mind and he silently cursed Matt for dieing. Other than Lisa, Matt would have been the only other person he could have talked to about this.

“Okay.” Val sighed as his birthday officially started as the clock rolled past midnight. “I might be gay.” He closed his eyes and tried to shut his mind off to sleep.